Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Reflection on recent Mayo Visit

Pucca went back to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN to visit the uber talented neurosurgeons that helped her to regain use of her right arm. Pucca was injured during birth- her injuries resulted in a condition known as Erb's Palsey.

She had surgery at 3 months of age. And since then we have been going back to Rochester to check in and make sure her progress and development are on track.

Before this visit I was a bit apprehensive and had several specific questions regarding her present condition and shoulder usage. All the answers we received were great and positive. She's a super star! Some of the best surgical results they've ever seen on Erb's Palsey patients. One doctor even called her a miracle...which is pretty impressive coming from a science-fact based neurologist. She can climb trees, go across the monkey bars and even do pull ups. She was flipping over the trapeeze bar on the swing set when she was two. She crawled at the normal age. If you didn't know she had Erb's Palsey- you would NEVER know there was anything wrong with her.

Which makes how I'm feeling, conflicted, all the more upsetting. I should be happy she's done so well. That we were blessed with such talented doctors and that she healed so well. But I can't help feeling frustrated that they can't make her perfect. Which is very selfish- I know that. But she wasn't just born this way...someone made her this way. And when she comes home upset because she can't jump rope like her friends or when the swim teacher flunks her because she doesn't do the swim strokes correctly...well I sometimes just want to scream! Its definitely harder on me than on her...she doesn't know she can't do things. She's been this way for as long as she can remember.

Her right shoulder has become distended (her shoulder blade sticks out abnormally far in is rotated up because of weak muscles) and one shoulder is visibly shorter that the other. Both things will become less notable as she grows, matures and puts on a little more weight. The orthopedic dr wasn't concerned with her shoulder and said it look perfect. And when I should have been over the moon thrilled with her prognosis...I was actually upset that they didn't say - oh that's an easy or physical therapy or stretches...or just anything to have us work on to help her.

I'm a horrible person. I should be overjoyed and thanking my lucky stars...and I do! I DO! But I also wish I could do more. And maybe that's it. Maybe in some remote way I feel responsible for Pucca and her condition. If I would have insisted on a c-section, or did more during the delivery to facilitate a less stressful birth, or if I had been born with good baby bearing hips. UGHHHHH....

A boringly serious post...but one I want in writing. I write how I feel...and this is how I feel.


Anonymous said...

I love you Audra. You are a GREAT wife and friend! You're also a GREAT mom for our kids!


Kindergarten Team said...

Audra, All the conflicting feelings you have is because you are SUCH A GREAT MOTHER, WIFE, name it! You know you can always call if you need a little get away (I think we both need a little time for ourselves....SOON)!!!

Anita Lewandowski Brown said...

Audra, you just want the best for your kids. I think that's the sign of a wonderful mother. Be gentle with yourself...