Still crazy for balls

Evie LOVES to play with balls. She has pretty much from the start. Her favorite right now is the tennis ball. She throws it up in the air and watches is bounce then chases it. Just the other night she spent over an hour throwing and chasing her tennis ball. She's such a silly little thing but so fun to watch.

LOVE her!

swimming

Several of our neighbors have pools and my husband says that's the best kind to have.

They are super great about letting the girls come over and take a dip. And Evie is getting to the fun age in the pool. We have started basic swim lessons; bobbing, dog paddling etc. Next summer we'll step it up a notch. I love being able to teach my kids to swim. I just wish one had a passion for competitive swimming like I did. I wasn't die hard but I loved  working hard and seeing the results. Evie is my last chance for a swim baby...so my fingers are crossed!

Something to acknowledge

This blog is also a journal of sorts for my children and possibly my grandchildren. I want them to know about life from my perspective; the good and the bad.

I recently read an article about miscarriage and how it is taboo to speak of or acknowledge. There were parts of the article I agreed with and some that I wasn't so sure about.

Over five years ago I shared on this blog that we had miscarried (here and here). I was 10 weeks pregnant. It was heart wrenching. And so many friends and family shared in my sorrow. It wasn't easy for me and I know it wasn't easy for friends and family...never knowing what to say or what to do. But I did discover that it was almost taboo to talk about the loss. No one ever wanting to say the words 'miscarriage' or 'baby'. Even my grandma said "Your mom shared what happened. It can be so terrible." and that was it. Another family member said "At least you aren't like some people who don't have any other kids. You have three others."

I'm not sure why people don't want to use the word miscarried. It happened and it's completely sucky. You aren't going to offend. If you don't feel comfortable using that word then use 'loss'. Some people are of the thought that it's just a fetus and you didn't really lose a baby. Even so, we lost hopes and dreams, the anticipation and excitement of a baby and a pregnancy. We lost joy. Not to mention a living growing life. 

I've had multiple miscarriages since then. And with each one, a little more of me dies. I'm not being dramatic, just honest. You lose a little of your joy, your optimism, your happiness. And that hole is filled with cynicism and pessimism.

It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced a miscarriage firsthand. Let me try to put it into words. When you've miscarried, you don't just wake up one day and are no longer pregnant. And then life goes on. The process takes weeks. And it's not just the mental process, physically it will take weeks.

The moment you find out there is no longer a heartbeat is one of the most excruciatingly painful times of your life. The room spins, you can't breathe, you can feel the flood of tears welling up and that poor ultrasound tech...I think the only thing worse than having the miscarriage is having to tell someone they've miscarried.

Shortly after if not by now, you start to cramp and bleed. And the next 7-14 days are filled with the worst pains I've experienced second to laboring my three children. Your hormones are going crazy. You're emotional and on edge. Your mind starts to wander and drift. I kept thinking about how my body was rejecting our child. And that's a horrible feeling. A mother is supposed to give and grow life not reject and expel. Every time I cramped I was reminded of how MY body was causing this.

All of my miscarriages happened between 10-12 weeks. This is what I lost.

It can take anywhere from one to two weeks to naturally expel a miscarried pregnancy. Days that are filled with blood draws, pain killers, exhaustion, and tears. All the while you still have to be a wife and mom. I never shared with our children when I was miscarrying. After the first, we learned to wait until the first trimester was complete before making any announcement. Even with Evie,  I waited until I was 8 months pregnant to decorate the nursery. Every twinge, ache or stomach pain sent me into a full scale panic. I didn't allow myself to get excited for months. It's terrible to not be able to enjoy a pregnancy. Nine months of fear is no fun. 

We ARE extremely blessed with four beautifully talented daughters. I know that and I cherish each of them. But that does little to fill the void of losing a pregnancy. In some ways it makes it worse knowing they lost a sibling. And even more devastating is knowing whatever caused my miscarriages may be hereditary. 

Miscarriages happen to a lot of women and have been happening since the beginning of time. It's part of life and reproduction. But I whole heartedly feel it's not something that should be spoke of in whispers or code. Women deserve condolences and support during this time. And should be able to speak of it and share their experience. I understand it's hard to talk about it. And agree that it's awkward to bring up. I mean you don't just go around announcing "We lost our baby." But a woman should be able to process and grieve and not hide or push her emotions aside. I would hope a woman or her husband would share with close friends- so they could surround her with support. A hug, flowers, brownies, a movie, a good cry. 

I'm not sure what all I'm trying to express through this post. Am I posting this for my children- possibly. Am I posting this for women experiencing the same thing- sure. But I do know that miscarriages should at least be acknowledged to whatever extent a woman wants to make them. And that we shouldn't be made to feel like we need to just suck it up and move on. Speaking to someone who has also experienced this type of loss is one of the best things I did. They understand the heartache and the pain. They understand things only you would understand. Like how every time you go to the bathroom you are constantly wondering if you just flushed your baby down the toilet. Like I said - hard to explain if you haven't experienced it. 

Journal, blog, confide in your husband, your friends or your mother. Express your feelings of loss and pain. Share your sorrow. 

Miscarriage IS something to be acknowledged. 

Weekend drizzle

Poor Nebraska! We really need rain, but don't really need to make up for a 5 year drought in one month!!! Holy smokes! And when it's not raining it's 90+ degrees and humid as heck!

This past weekend brought more rain. One night we received 1 and 3/4 inches in just a few hours. That kind of rain is basically run off. And the low lying areas, rivers, ponds and sandpits are plum full if not overflowing. And don't even get me started on the mosquitos! We have to watch Evie because they are big enough to carry her off!

Sunday we ran over to a nearby farmer's market. A rare occasion when ALL the girls want to go anywhere with us...but we love the market and so glad the girls do too! So six Kellys and three umbrellas ventured out into the heavy rain for some locally grown goodies. We scored and came home with tomatoes, fingerling potatoes, baby yellow potatoes, pizza crust, rustic french boule bread and summer squash. We had margarita pizza for lunch with the addition of basil from our garden and some wet mozzarella.

 (Speaking of our garden. It's doing pretty well. I picked my first batch of cherry and grape tomatoes, a few Anaheim peppers will be ready this weekend and my zucchini are blossoming. Two cucumber plants made it through the horrendous storms we've had and five corn plants. Some kind of bug is chowing down on my green beans, but I sprayed them and hopefully they will come through. Our herbs are very abundant..so if in need, give me a call and I'll hook you up!)

In all it was a rainy lazy weekend complete with a Sunday afternoon nap. It really was quite lovely!

random happenings

I can't believe it's already been two weeks since my last post. This summer was supposed to laid back and fuss free. Not sure it's turning out that way!

Last week was super busy with Corynn taking classes at Stuhr Museum and the twins and I helping my mom and YWCA with their annual fundraiser. I coordinated the kitchen help and servers and made canapes for 225 people. It was a fun and challenging way to use two of my interests; entertaining and logistics. Figuring out the menus, how much to buy and optimize the cost/benefit ratio...crazy but fun! And the food received great reviews!!! So that's always good!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

Last week my clematis really took off and look so beautiful. I love coming home to them. And they are holding up remarkably well in this hellish Nebraska wind we've been having.

Wednesday- the twins, Evie and I came back to Lincoln to celebrate my father in law's birthday. He is super special to us and we wanted to be sure to wish him a very happy birthday in person. We had dinner at our house and a delicious chocolate cake from Whole Foods. Yummm

While we were in GI town helping my mom, Anna and Elsa from Frozen visited the children at the YWCA daycare. Evie was super shy while in their presence, but she kept talking about how her Gma Ski knew Anna and Elsa and it was so cool!

All the girls and I headed back to Lincoln Friday evening after the benefit. Saturday was busy hanging out with our nephew who was in town visiting. We went to the zoo, mini golf and then out to dinner in the Haymarket.

I asked Corynn what was one thing she wanted to do while spending the week in GI town. And she told me she really wanted to have a snack at the Silver Dollar at Stuhr. It was something that she did every summer with Gma Kelly and something she really looked forward to. So we ventured out to the Silver Dollar for some sarsaparilla in a glass bottle and strawberry ice-cream. It wasn't quite the same without Nancy, but it gave Evie a chance to go and for us to reminisce about a really great lady! 

So what have you been up to!?

The last few weeks of school zoomed by and the first weeks of summer are passing quickly. Here's a photo recap of the past few weeks.

I finished the family gallery wall in our front sitting room. It has old photos, a marriage certificate from the 1800s, a painting of my great grandparents, genealogy chart and more. I LOVE it! I love having bits of our family history around us! 

Corynn ran 2 miles in her school marathon!!

Last day of school!!! We officially have two juniors and a middle schooler!!! Holy moly!

Visited Gma T when we went back to GI town. We left flowers for her and Nancy. We miss them both so much! 

Celebrated this lovely lady's birthday! She's my grandma!!!

Gma Ski (my mom) surprised Corynn by announcing they were going to Disney World this summer...this is a pic of the group planning and researching

Evie is excited to swim! Even if it is just a little kiddie pool

We did some tree work...it's never-ending I swear! 

Took Evie to the water park...she LOVED it! 

the twiners are turning 16 in 6 weeks...so they got a car! Now they can practice, practice, practice, practice! 

Now you are all caught up! Hopefully I can keep that way! ;)