Friday, June 19, 2009

For the sake of not talking

I'm still not recovered...physically or emotionally- although with my hormones simmering down a bit- my emotions have become a bit more stable. I'm thinking more clearly and able to reflect a little on the situation. I'm still not wanting to talk about it...just saying the m word brings me to tears.

The short truth is this... I was 10wks along. It amazing how much you can plan and dream up in such a short time. I think we had the next eighteen years planned already. The pain is the worst. My body hurts. My heart hurts. It hurts to know that for some reason my body didn't want this. It hurts having seen the tiny person, hands, feet and hearing the heartbeat- knowing it wasn't meant to be. Its a pain I can't explain.

My sadness would have been all consuming if not for my sweet husband. He has been here, holding me, letting me cry, letting me cope however I needed. He's taken over the girls' care, brought me flowers, held my hand...I had to remind myself he lost something too. We grieved together...quietly at night when the children were in bed.

I've pretty much kept myself hidden away- phones turned off, canceling appts and meetings, tucked into my cozy bed or wrapped up in a blanket. But I've decided its enough. I have three other beautiful children and superb loving husband who need me to rejoin the land of living. We have a great life...and with the good comes the bad. Its what keeps us karmically balanced.

This weekend is Father's Day...and I'm determined now more than ever to show my husband how much I value him...he's such a wonderful husband and father!


Deb said...

Oh dear. I'm reading this and I don't know what to say. I just don't.

The only thing that comes to mind is I am here for you and love you lots! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Christy said...

So sorry, Audra! I'm glad your husband is so supportive and that you're able to get some of the comfort you need.

wendysue said...

Audra, I'm so sorry. I keep trying to come up with something to say/do/help with, but I can't. I'm just so sorry. I know those girls of yours and John love you so much too, and it sounds like they are doing just what you need!!

Audra said...

There's nothing to say and nothing to is what it is. We're fine...having such awesome friends make it that much easier! love you guys!

The Brink Blog said...

Audra, I was thinking about you today. God works in mysterious ways and sometimes his plans go unanswered. But, what we do all know, is you have an INCREDIBLE family who is supportive and extremely giving. Enjoy your time together this weekend and remember, call us if you need anything! Love, The Brinkmeyers!