Thursday, March 11, 2010

I miss her


I miss my mom. Which is weird because I see her everyday. Its just sometimes it doesn't feel like her. We don't laugh at everything. We don't giggle over stupid things. We don't make fun of ourselves. We don't joke around or talk about things. I sometimes feel like she's just a patient in a bed.

I miss her laugh, that contagious-hear-it-from-across-town laugh that instantly makes you smile. I used to always think it was a silly laugh and was so thankful I didn't inherit it...but now I would give anything to hear it again.

Its really very hard to sit and watch someone you love and admire- be in pain, confused, angry, anxious, paranoid and upset. Its so not like her. And all I can do is tell her I love her and it will all be ok.

The antibiotics (there's four of them) have her mind a complete mess. Its up and down. Sometimes she seems coherent and then she'll say something like 'well if they aren't going to show the movie- then let's just go to another movie theater!'

The first week my emotions were so out of whack - that I just laughed it off. But now- two and half weeks later...I just want my mom back. Giggling, happy, cheerful positive mom.

Don't get me wrong. She is doing better physically. Slow and steady progress, dealing with issues as they come. The fact that she's alive and communicating (as insensible as it may be at times) is proof we're moving in the right direction. I really wish I would have been graced with patience. I could really use some right now.

I know she's going to be alright and be back to normal...but the road is long and tiresome...for all of us. Its hard not knowing when. 'Long road' is such a vague expression. What does that mean? weeks? months? There is no answer- there's no way of knowing...I know that. But I still want to know when- dang it!

Well, thank you for letting me vent my frustrations. I love my mom and would do anything for her. I can't wait to have her home.

3 comments:

wendysue said...

It's hard to be patient when it's your Momma! Hang in there!

The Brink Blog said...

Audra,
Isn't that phrase "long road" two of the hardest words to grasp and take hold of?! Just remember that your mom enjoys your time together and inside, probably is wondering the same thing.

McAllister Family said...

Audra,
My heart goes out to you and your mom right now. I am praying for you both.
Love you