Seasons of change

Winter is definitely upon us. It has been frigid and cold for weeks and weeks. We had our first snow months ago. And now it's December.

These past few weeks having been full. Full of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Full of the anticipation for upcoming travels. Full of sorrow for my dearest friend and her family.

On November 22nd, my oldest and dearest friend Kristina lost her eldest son. He was just 19. Mikey died in a car accident traveling home for the holidays. He died instantly. His pregnant girlfriend was in the car with him. She broke her femur and was banged up pretty good. The baby is well. I flew to Arizona to be with her and help her. Help her with the service, the program and the flowers. Help her with her other 6 children who range in ages 15 to 2 months. Help her clean her house. Help her cope.

It was a long week. An exhausting week. Saying goodbye to a baby I helped deliver (he was so eager to come that he didn't wait for the doctor to return to the room) was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. My mind was muddied with memories of him throughout the years and my mother's heart was full of pain at seeing my sister suffer this loss. I can' t imagine losing a child. I thought of my own children and how devastated I would be. How would I cope? How would I function? How could I possibly go on?


Kristina has dealt remarkably well. She knows this isn't goodbye. She will be with Mikey again. But I could tell that her spirit had dimmed. She lost some brightness to her countenance. A light I fear she may never get back.

She has a difficult road ahead of her. And I worry for her everyday. I pray for her as well. It's difficult to watch someone you love suffer so.

"When our days become dark and dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that... {God} is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows." Martin Luther King Jr.

This holiday will be difficult for all. It will be our first Christmas without Nancy and I will be thinking of Kristina as I know this will be a hard time for her and the kids. In some ways it doesn't feel very festive or very Christmas-y. It just feels cold and dreary.

My mom told me that every hardship comes with a lesson. The lesson I've learned from this is that I will treasure my children everyday. Every moment. Even when Evie is throwing a bloody fit. Because I would suffer through a thousand melt downs and trade a life time of tantrums to get her back if anything happened. I also know that my oldest girls will be going off to college soon and that scares me to no end. I will worry about them always. And I want to make as many memories as we can before they are off.  I know I can't be with them forever. Just cherish the time we have.

I read a quote once that said something like "Becoming a mother is like deciding forever to have you heart go walking around outside your body."

So true. So true.