As I was entering appts and happenings into my 2010 calendar from the 2009 one...I noticed that 1/18- would have been my due date for the pregnancy we lost last summer. The date was circled with smiley faces and balloons. I remember thinking how awesome it would be...a little birthday present to mark such an auspicious birthday. But it wasn't meant to be.
Subconsciously its been a rough weekend. I knew this date was coming...but kept pushing it back into those dark recesses hoping that if I didn't dwell on it- that it would just pass and be done with. On the outside I've tried to portray gratitude for my loving family and friends, and the wonderful birthday they gave me! But a migraine last night and moody irritability this afternoon totally set me off. Probably my body's way of saying- cope and quit suppressing.
I have to come to realize and accept that events, trials and cloudy days come for a reason. Whether to teach us in that moment or help us realize a deeper lesson in the months to come. I know that we are part of something bigger and grander. And although it still hurts and leaves us apprehensive about trying again...I know what will be will be. I'm just thankful to be along for the ride!