Monday, June 03, 2013

feeling guilty

Tomorrow the twins and I embark on a 5 day trip to Washington DC. It was a happenstance trip that kind of just happened. Things fell into place, worked out at the right time and so we seized the chance.

As I pack bags and make lists (you know me and my lists!), I'm starting to second guess myself. Its going to be a great trip, the twins are super excited and we're going to spend time with my mom. What's there not to be pumped for?

I feel guilty for leaving my baby. Well, my toddler baby. This will be my first lengthy trip away and I feel bad. Not for leaving her, per se...but for the people who have to watch her. I deal with it (it being Evie) everyday all day. I have built up a wall of patience and mommy maneuvers to deal with her. And now my dear sweet husband and his parents are going to have to take her on. I feel like I'm leaving them to fight a battle unarmed. Its hard to explain. She's not the worst kid...just the most difficult of our 4. And I know that our other 3 were superbly easy babies. But still. I really hope Jeff, Nancy and John know how super appreciative I am for them taking this on! (and please don't judge me based on how she acts! She has been strong willed and stubborn since birth...remember the non-stop crying at the hospital for formula!?)

Part of the guilt is also because being a stay at home mom is my job. And I feel like I'm leaving my post unattended. Its my job to take care of the kids while John works and provides for us. The house and kids are my responsibility and I feel like I'm letting him down a bit.

I also feel guilty because I'm missing Corynn's first softball game. There will be seven more, but what if this is the one where she hits a grand slam and I miss it? Or she participates in a triple play or catches the ball for the final out to win the game?

And what about the laundry and meals? I've made lists of snack. lunch and dinner options, all of Evie's likes and favorites, stocked up on diapers and wipes and laid out her clothes for the week.

Now I just want it to be known...that I did all this stuff because I am a type A personality and like things to be organized and orderly. Also because I love my husband and want to make this as easy as possible. I also know that he is fully capable of taking care of our children and I'm to blame for all my worries.

I also know, as I re-read this post, that it's quite obvious I'm in desperate need of this trip. A few days to devote to the twins, have fun and enjoy!

I'll be back this weekend to recap the trip!

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